so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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