she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
