She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
