we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
