Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
