who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
