pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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