So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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