maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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