mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
