she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
