Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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