I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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