Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
