Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
