i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My vagina is officially offended.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
