I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
