Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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