I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
