I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
