1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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