operation harelip BJ is a go
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
