why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
