Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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