I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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