I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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