apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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