I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
