Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
