Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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