Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well I just put wine in my tea
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
