Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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