I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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