I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
