My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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