My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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