I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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