it was like eating out sand paper
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Randomize
