Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
