I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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