Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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