apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
