He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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