My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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