My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i think i just lost a toe
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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