I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
