I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
