remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
