PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
