The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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